Sch took a turn for the worst and I'm not coping at all not a single bit. It's the official 2nd week of sch and the amount of revision piled up so much that its suffociating me. I study almost everyday and I have no problem doing that but to even start the revision, I'd need to pick up a totally new math topic. Picking up new topic? No problem. But I dont have the time. I can't even complete the previous topic and now I have tons of other new modules with new theory and formula. I CAN'T COPE FOR GOD SAKE!

And today, I've been crazily thinking of her. I miss her. I miss her voice, her beautiful smile, her mesmerising eyes and everything about her. How I wish I could tell her all of these. I swear this is the first time I miss somebody this much. It just break my heart trying not to msg her and not to think of her. But what breaks my heart more isn't not msg-ing her but for her not to reply me and that our conversation isn't as what it used to be. And so I made a decision, a painful decision not to enter her life, not to be close to her life. To spare her from me, an unstable cancer guy. She is a very good lady, a kind lady, a pretty lady, a perfect one in my eyes. One that I can only dream of to be together with. She don't deserved to be with someone like me. Now, I will never be able to fufill my promises to you anymore and I'm deeply sorry about that. I dont know if you ever remember but I do. The promises I made to listen to all your problems whenever you have one though most of the time its me ranting my problems but you listened to it anyway and the promise I made to treat you to a 1 time 5 meals Texas Chicken.

I texted her and I was emo as shit. But I can see that she's tired of my msges. She replied shorter text msges recently, took longer to reply me and sometimes her 'bad' habit of reading and replying later which she would most probably forgot to reply. But deep down I know that my msges are dull and dry. She sees no joy in talking with me but she's definitely loyal. She texted me "Are you okay..?" not too long ago and I don't know what to reply. One part of me wants to tell her that "Yep, I will be fine dont worry about me" but another part of me wants her affections, wanna tell her that "No, I am not alright, I need your care". After thinking about it for a while, I decided against replying her msg. She's just being loyal to me, as a friend. I shouldn't have any more expectations. This would do us any good, this won't do me any good. I don't want to hurt her in any way, she's too nice I just can't bear to.

The longing for her coupled with the stress and anxiety from sch broke me up pretty badly today. I had to endure the pain and try to concentrate on the revision but only to find myself breaking up more badly. Nevertheless, I hope that this blog will once again serve as my good buddy, for me to pour my heart out empty everything and start all over again. I know I cannot afford to drop out of sch when a degree is vital to a chance in a better job, a better future not only for me but for my family, my future wife and childrens. I need to stay focused and I really need to stay focused. Pls do me a favour and help me.